ALL THE STARS ARE PROJECTORS

My girlfriend and I are going to our first local trans group meeting this evening. I’m excited but super nervous! I already have butterflies in my stomach.

I decided it’s about time to start a transition blog. For me, transition is very personal. Right now, it’s mostly in my head, but its starting to come out in my outward appearance and how I want to be treated. All of these posts will be tagged and can be found under the My Transition Blog link on my About Me panel.

Here is where I am at currently.

Name change- For as long as I can remember, I have been Ethan inside. I don’t remember when, where, how or why I chose the name Ethan. I think it chose me. But on June 1, 2011, I chose my middle name, Parker. Mainly because I just like it but also because of the meaning, “keeper of a park,” makes me think of nature.

Mental changes- I am beginning, finally, to accept myself. But While I am accepted myself more and more as trans, I am hating my body more and more in my head. I never used to think about my voice, now it sounds so high pitched. I’ve never been a fan of my chest but now it brings me to tears and I want it to be flat. I have always been large, but how I carry my weight is starting to really bother me.

Physical changes- I am trying to lose weight. I’ve done it weird ways before like with HCG from my parents and doctor but I want to lose weight to old fashioned way. I used to be pretty sedentary. While I still must sit at a desk all day, I am moving around a lot more. I walk my dog every day and have started exercising, lifting weights and limiting unhealthy foods. I once got up to 280lbs. Now I’ve been hovering at 240lbs. for a while and it seems to be a hump for me. My goal is 180lbs, 40lbs down, 60lbs to go.

Relationship- I couldn’t ask for a better partner. She encourages, comforts, consoles, listens, respects, holds me and gives me space whenever I need it. I am still amazed by her selflessness, compassion and love. In past relationships, I felt so trapt and tied down. I can’t believe how free I feel when I’m laying next to her or hours apart. This must be what true love fees like. Sex life is great, but a couple times recently I have become frustrated in ways I never have before and broke down in tears. This scares me, because I don’t want it to get worse and I don’t want her to ever feel like something is her fault, it’s just all in my head.

Binding- I got a binder several years ago when my college did a drag show, which got shut down, long story of conservative Christians. But it was so tight it hurt like a bitch to get on and off and rolled up. On June 5, 2011, I ordered a different size and style from Underworks, so hopefully this one will work better!

Packing- I started packing in May, 2011, with just rolled up socks. It made me feel amazing and give me self-confidence. I had no idea how such a small change could make such a huge difference. Except sometimes I get so frustrated because I know this thing isn’t real and never will be. I go back and forth. I pack about 50% of the time. I am upgrading and ordered my first actual soft packer and some men’s boxer briefs with a pouch from Tranzwear on June 5, 2011.

Therapy- I need it. I know. But I am worried about my parents finding out I am going to therapy through our insurance. Hopefully, I will get my own insurance in the near future and not have to worry about that. My girlfriend and I are going to attend a meeting at Youth Pride in Atlanta. They have free services for people 24 years and younger. I am actually glad to be considered a youth!

Medical- My first step medically is to stop my menstrual cycle. I was just going to get the pill and make it simple, but the more I think about it, the more I want to get the shot so I don’t put more estrogen in my body. After meeting with people at Youth Pride, I’m going to find a trans friendly gyno and discuss the options.